Lust of the Heart

Been a bitch of a day.

I got stoned last night and put on Batman Begins. Only planned to watch a few minutes and go to bed. I played “Only 15 More Minutes” until I’d watched the whole thing. Finally I made it to bed around midnight.

Still stoned I thought someone was prowling around my back yard. I got up, went back to bed. And repeated several times. Finally my neighbors made a noise that let me know it was just them.

After a one-handed visit to fantasyland I nodded off.

It doesn’t matter when I go to bed. About 3:00 a.m. I’m going to get up for a quarter to a whole hour. And then up for good at 5:00 a.m. Been one of those days that goes too slow.

Have you ever felt what I think of erotic ennui? Restlessness born of an unquiet libido. I remember it well when in my early 20s I was … well, really I was just too lazy to find someone to have sex with. Wearily I prowled about the house and intermittently tried to nap.

Today it wasn’t bodily hunger. It was lust of the heart.

If Alex were here and I could’ve cradled her in my arms, buried my nose in her hair all would’ve been well. I wasn’t thinking of an orgasm. I needed the erotic release only the touch of your beloved can provide.

Fetishists play at orgasm denial but romance denial is much worse.